After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize