Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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