Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
