He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
