so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
