We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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