i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
