apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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