Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
