I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ugly people sure do ruin things
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
