I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
