What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
