Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I cockslap morals
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
