And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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