He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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