I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
