I haven't been this sober since birth.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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