sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i think my cat just said my name.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
