i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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