He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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