Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you win again, gameday.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
