Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
