if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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