Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
