i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
