ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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