I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
