please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
