WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
