I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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