i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
