okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
