tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
