Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
