Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Don't EVER smell your tampon
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize