How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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