I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
