Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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