i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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