he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
