i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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