when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
