Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
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We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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