I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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