everyone is single if you try hard enough
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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