We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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