My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
