dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
two words: eviction party
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
