Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you had me at cake vodka
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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