Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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