I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
