Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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