i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We are two peas in an std pod
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
